My Battle Against Anorexia, Part 2 – Relinquishing My Secret

This Is My Story

 

Hi, I am Eryn.  This is part two of a 3-part series telling my story of how I overcame anorexia. 

You can view the whole series here.

1. My Battle With Anorexia, Part 1 ~ A Disease That Thrives On Secrets
2. My Battle With Anorexia, Part 2 ~ Relinquishing My Secret
3. My Battle With Anorexia, Part 3 ~ Moving From Fear To Passion

 Thank you for letting me share my story with you!

 

You Can Only Slay a Lie With The Truth

 

On March 8 of 2006, I told my mom of my struggle with anorexia. What I remember most about that night is how calm she was. She exhibited no panic in her response. I always knew that my parents love was unconditional, they made that very evident, and here was yet another strong proof of just how unconditional it really was.

With my secret out, anorexia lost much of its appeal; the power diminished. My mom would ask me on occasion how I was doing, keeping me accountable, but all the while giving me some distance and exhibiting trust in her daughter.

Looking back at my journal from that time, I see that after this admission of my battle there was still a constant struggle. There are no easy fixes to anorexia. March 8 was only one stepping stone on a very long and arduous path.

 

My Turning Point

 

Seven months later I would lay down another stepping stone on that path. On October 17, 2006, I was sitting in Starbucks at 5:00am, waiting to walk down the road to my job at Panera Bread an hour later.

I opened my Bible, unsure of what I was even searching for. Freedom is what I found. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

Condemnation and guilt had been close companions of mine from the onset of this journey. There had come a point when I had to face up to the fact that what I was doing was wrong. I was not a victim.

I was lying to my friends and family. I was harming the body God had blessed me with in ways that may never heal. I was harming my soul with toxic lies.

Yet there I was sitting with my cup of coffee, stuck somewhere in between anorexia and hope, reading these words and allowing them to finally sink deep into my being. God did not condemn me for this. Guilt was inflicted only by me, not Him. His love was enough to cover me; sufficient to see past my sin and mistakes, and take me into His arms of healing.

That morning is what I point to as my “turning point”, for only God could have initiated such a step of freedom from captivity.

Through His Love and Grace

 

Author David Platt in his book Follow Me, says that, “The more Christ fulfills the cravings of our souls, the more He changes our taste capacities from the inside out.”

Christ was beginning to change my desires; from my heart to my habits. He began within, addressing the deepest issues which lie behind anorexic behavior:  pride, fear, lies, perfectionism. As He began to address these issues in my heart, all the while pouring into me His love and grace of which I was so undeserving, my habits began to change likewise.

I began to eat; I began to heal. And as I healed, I clung tight to His promises.

“O taste and see that the Lord is good, how blessed is the man (or woman) who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

“Do You Still Have ‘Fat Days’?”

 

Well, you are asking a woman in her eight month of pregnancy…

However, no, I do not have fat days. I look better than I ever have, and I feel even greater!

When I look back at photos from those days, I only equate it with sorrow and captivity. There is one particular photo I recall. It was taken on prom night when I was 16, and at my lowest weight. I remember the weeks before prom night, running a few miles each morning; walking even more during my afternoons. I remember not eating anything beyond a slice of bread and deli meat for the entire three days prior to the dance.

You see, I had been home schooled all my life except for freshman year of high school, where I experimented by going to public school. One year was enough for me, and I returned to homeschooling for the remainder of high school. This prom would reintroduce me to my old classmates, most of whom I had not seen for a couple of years.

I had something to prove—I had achieved success and beauty. The first time I saw this photo I swelled with pride at the sight of my tiny waist; how skewed my perception was to completely miss the skeletal figure beneath that dress.

I look a whole lot better in a dress these days, filling it out as a woman was created to, rather than clingy fabric dangling off a frail body. I no longer feel a dangerous, secretive pride. I now feel true beauty. I am the mother of a toddler, 33 weeks pregnant, and in the best shape of my life!

 

Note: This is part two of a 3-part series telling my story of how I overcame anorexia. Read more about my family’s journey to health on my blog, From Famine to Foodie, at www.erynlynum.com